Why you can’t rely on a lover to open you sexually

It’s a common theme in some sexuality and neo-Tantra circles: an inexperienced or “sexually blocked” woman is encouraged to have sex with a more experienced (usually older) man in order to “open her up”.

I also see it in mainstream society – I’ve worked with many clients who’ve bought into this notion too.

The thing is – the skills of your lover can only get you so far.

Yes, you might experience more pleasure than before if you’re with someone who knows how to read your signals, who knows your body well and can be deeply present with you.
BUT if you haven’t done your inner work, it’s not going to last.

You might temporarily open to something you can’t handle or integrate.
You might taste a fleeting glimpse of what’s possible but find it unsustainable.
Or it might just not work, and you’re left feeling like a failure.

If you truly desire to be more sexually open, you HAVE to do your inner work.

There are no shortcuts, and it’s truly disempowering to rely on someone else to do it for you (trust me, I’ve been there).

Being sexually open/free actually requires a deeper understanding of the nuances of your own body, the subtleties of your own energy, and getting intimate with knowing your edges – where you soften, and when you contract.
It also means learning how to allow more of your energy to flow smoothly, so you can access more of your deep, rich, inner fullness (because trust me, it’s in there).

This doesn’t come naturally for many of us and needs to be gently cultivated, harnessed, coaxed and encouraged.
And with practice, time, patience and curiosity you can reap amazing rewards.
But it’s not something you can just switch on.
It’s not something an expert lover can do for you – you need to find it for yourself.

Then when you’re with amazing lovers (or even average lovers), you’re fully resourced and connected to your own pleasure, your own strengths, your own weaknesses, your emotions, your energy and your body.

And THAT’S what makes you truly sexually open.

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